One Man’s Journey Through Wal-Mart Hell on Black Friday

by Ryan

In light of the holiday season I thought I’d have a little fun and pick on Wal-mart and black Friday.

Here’s a parody of a poor guy who gets stuck waiting for Wal-Mart to open, nearly gets run over by a car, soils himself, and makes his getaway successfully with some Zhu Zhu’s. All to the lines of “Twas the night before Christmas.”

That’s a normal blog post… right?

Twas twenty eight nights before Christmas, when all through the lot,
Shoppers rushed for their gifts so none were forgot.
The Greeters were lined in a perfect file,
Ready to restock the never ending pile.

But before the chaos, the greed, and the fight.
Some people had, stayed, stayed in the lot all night!
Adorned with tech gear, parkas, and tents,
Their faces weary and wallets avoiding repent.

But why did these nightmen and women appear?,
To find purpose, to find meaning, of course not my dear!
Prepared to the hilt with credit and cash
These savvy fools were going to blow their stash!

The neons shone heavy on the new found glow.
Of the PSP’s, Wii’s, and Nin-ten-dos.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear.
But a maniac driver stuck in first gear!

With a little old driver, so old and sick,
I knew in a moment, it wasn’t a trick.
More rapid than eagles I sprang from my chair!,
And warned the shoppers, look over there!

“Now Cashier! now, Greeter! now, Power Wielding Boss,
On Walton, On Sam, and all cutting costs!
To the automatic doors and parking stalls,
Now chant away chant away chant away all!

As the sickened old maid was stopped in her tracks,
The Wal-Mart Staff Beefed up their attacks!
To the car they sprang and rose ever quicker,
Oh my God! I shouted! “They’ve got stickers!”

And then In a twinkling before I knew,
The car, the old lady, had become quite a zoo.
Smiles adorned the car all around,
While the chanters tossed their wrappings in a polluting mound.

Although this had caused quite a fright,
The clock chimed twelve and shoppers squealed with delight!
The doors sprang open to welcome the herd,
It was so packed and crammed I slipped a terd!

The air was scarce, I began to cough,
But then in the distance I saw – half-off!
I leapt and I pushed and I clawed and I bit,
I thought to myself, I’m really sick of this shit.

I could’ve been at home enjoying my sheets,
But she wears the pants and I’m on the teet.
By some miracle I broke from the pack,
Turned to sprint and didn’t look back!

She was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I close-lined her fat face in spite of myself!
A wink of my eye and a twist of my head,
I hoped for a moment she wasn’t really dead.

Suddenly what lay before my eyes,
but a pile of Zhu Zhu’s this is no lie.
I grabbed two for the relay and headed on back,
Through the madness and sickness and never ending pack.

Did you find everything okay today sir,
In fact I did, yes thank you as it were.
As I walked out the doors and slowly departed,
I began to see the party had just barely started.

Entering my car and breathing a sigh,
I wished I had purchased a bottle of rye!
Oh well I said as I pulled away clear,
We can always come back and grab it next year.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Investing Newbie December 22, 2009 at 6:14 am

HAHAHA. This was hilarious. Although close-lining females…no bueno.

Ryan December 22, 2009 at 6:59 am

Agreed… figuratively funny, but not so much in real life…

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